


Noticed

by MakennaSweets1967



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Bisexual Dean Winchester, Dean Winchester Loves Castiel, Dean Winchester is Bad at Feelings, Dean Winchester is Not Oblivious, Gen, M/M, thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-28
Updated: 2020-06-28
Packaged: 2021-03-04 05:54:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 623
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24964810
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MakennaSweets1967/pseuds/MakennaSweets1967
Summary: It's not like I had noticed it before, hadn't felt it before. Or realized I had those desires. That other people didn't have the same feelings I had.The pink, purple, and blue blinding me, ringing throughout my mind.
Relationships: CasDean, Castiel/Dean Winchester, Destiel
Comments: 2
Kudos: 17





	Noticed

**Author's Note:**

> This is some content about Dean’s oppressed self. It could be based upon some thoughts that were going through my mind that I just need to expose somewhere, since I’m a mess and can't tell people in my life about it.

It's not like I had noticed it before, hadn't felt it before. Or realized I had those desires. That other people didn't have the same feelings I had.

The pink, purple, and blue blinding me, ringing throughout my mind. 

How I viewed attractive women and men the same. I wanted to pull either gender in and kiss their lips. 

I noticed it even before I knew the word for it - bisexual. 

It was always so much easier just to hide, to pretend like it didn't exist. Only letting it escape in my mind. 

Easier when my father judged others who were the same as me. Just for existing, loving who they loved without choice just as everyone else does. 

Easier than explaining my desires to the world which didn't understand. Than facing the prejudices which followed the term. 

Easier to deny my inclinations to a handsome man at a bar than weigh whether the people I loved would accept me or not. 

Easier than putting myself out there and being faced with rejection. 

Easier to deny half of who I am and become the ’ladies man’ I always pretend to be. Even when most nights I go home alone. 

Sure, I accepted it within myself for me and only me to know. Sure, I had made out with a few men in a drunken blur. Engulfed in the feeling of it, the rightness of it all.

But it was always just easier not to admit it. That would make it all too real, too difficult when it wasn't easy.

Difficult when I wanted to go on a date with Collin, and not his sister Rita. 

Difficult when I wanted openly flirt with the cute guys we encountered on cases. To not have to worry about slip-ups. 

Difficult when I wanted to confide and share my pride with those gay hunters I met years ago. With Charlie who so undeniably knew but would keep it to herself because she knew. 

Maybe if I had a different life a normal one where my relationships got to be longer than a few days. Maybe the pros would outweigh the cons. 

Those have always been my excuses though. That all they’ve ever been, but somehow I found a way to justify them before... Him. 

Before the colors blinded me that day in the barn when I tried to stab them away. Hoping they’d fall to the ground them along with him. They didn't. 

Before those strong hands gripped me tight and raised me from perdition. Leaving a mark for the world to see, somehow bringing comfort.

Before we fought together, facing each new apocalypse as friends, best friends. Though that term came to be lacking towards what they have. 

Before we found our way back to each other in purgatory. 

Before he fell from the sky, becoming human. When it broke my heart to tell him he couldn't stay. 

Before I watched that blade run through him and the light leave him. The realization I would never get to tell him. 

Before those longing stares. 

Before the bluest eyes. 

Before those perfect lips.

Before I wanted nothing more than to rip that trenchcoat off and have the angel all to myself. 

It was easier before Cas but I don't think it would ever be easy again. Why couldn't I have it? Why shouldn’t I get it?

After we saved the world and this time from God himself. I deserve it after all the years of denying it, keeping it at bay. 

The rest of the world be damn because that angel made the pros outweigh the cons. 

That angel made me believe in angels when I fell in love with one. 

I sure as hell noticed that.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for the read! Stay strong and keep fighting.  
> \- Makenna Sweets


End file.
